A Look Within

Are you living your own life or are you chasing someone elses?

Josh, my love, my constant philosopher, poised this question to me following Wednesday's post. Not so much about *my* actions in life but more about a question for all of us.

I don't know about you all but I know for sure I can struggle with this. I straddle the line of sharing too much and needing to keep some things for me. It's so easy these days with social media, to blur that line into nonexistence. Social media makes it especially easy to find yourself following in another's wake, trying to keep up. You paint this picture of the over sharer as having the perfect life, one that you wish to recreate for yourself. But you're only seeing what the over sharer wants you to see. You're not seeing their stumbles and struggles.

I also am very envious of other's achievements, as stated last week. I'm always very happy for and proud of my friends for reaching their goals, but a part of me yearns for the same goal of my own, which makes me jealous and bitter at times.

Life has become a rat race. Everyone trying to beat or meet the same timeline set by friends, colleagues, and family. It's easy to feel like you're in competition... life makes if out to be that way at times. From the second we're born, we're constantly being compared or doing the comparing of ourselves to our peers. No, this isn't some "snowflake" complaining of inequality, it's the desire to be measured only on my own abilities.

I think it best we remember the adage of needing to stop and smell the roses. There doesn't need to be a race, good things come in due time. Maybe don't always wait for those good things- they can take work. But who says a break to take in small moments is a bad thing?

Bitter before Better

Do you ever have just endless days of being on edge and wanting to argue every little point? That's where I was a few weekends ago, much to Josh's dismay.

Bitter about everything and finding myself jealous of others life events or smaller successes-- Bitter that friends and family are achieving goals they've set for themselves when I've dreamed of the same things. Bitter that our apartment never feels 100% clean for longer than an evening. Bitter that my life isn't the picture perfect fairytale I dreamt it would be as a child.

I used to feel bad about feeling this way... truly bad. I should be more appreciative of what I have, I have more than others and I've never felt like I couldn't ask for help.

But then I realized... I'm human. I'm allowed to have these moments. These moments make me more real. They allow me to connect with more people and have a larger understanding of what I really want out of this path I'm on. Life isn't perfect, no matter how we paint it to be on the outside or on social media. Sometimes like sucks and we have to trudge forward until the load on our shoulders lightens.

Sometimes I take my bitter feelings out on other people, placing them as the blame for my issues. Reality is that I've made my life to be the way that it is, as perfectly imperfect as it is. I have the ability to change both my life and my mindset. Being bitter is okay, as long as I'm able to determine why I feel the way I do and am able to take that and learn to be better moving forward.

Long story short, being bitter (on occasion) can lead to you being better. Don't allow the bitter to fill your mind and you'll find yourself doing better. But also don't get down about being bitter... you'll get better.

FIRST FIGHT 2020

So, something novel to mine and Josh's relationship began a few years back following New Year's Day. We don't fight or argue too often, at least not actually. We play argue all the time, our sarcastic and joking natures thriving in those moments, usually leading to laughs or tickle fights, wherein he typically triumphs.

When we do have a heated discussion that is teetering on the edge of of full blown arguing, one thing we like to do to ease tensions is pointing out "first fight," and the year. Yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds. But when you're arguing and hear "first fight, 2020" you mentally check yourself. I always picture a photo album. You know, where there's a label for the day/occasion and then fun pictures and a little description? When that's in your mind, it's hard to want to place the argument there. "Are we really about to be actually mad about this? This is silly!" And it allows us to come back down from the ledge to become more rational minded.

While writing this out I realized that we hadn't yet had one of these moments this year. I even double checked. I do my checking for you guys, as evidenced below.

    Please note the "..." that never bore a.          response. He's a smart man ;)

So, what's the point of this post? Just a reminder to take a step back sometimes. Some things may seem like a big deal in the moment but play the moment out in a different light and things are probably less heavy. Breathe y'all. It's the cheapest form of anger management.

New year, New Me?

2019 is officially over and 2020, the year of hindsight, is in full effect. There was so much greatness that 2019 brought about. I'm engaged to be married to the man of my dreams, I received a promotion at work, got to go to Vegas for the second time, and went on an amazing cruise through work, making and realizing great friendships, just to name a few top moments. 

My friends took time this year to reflect on the past NYEs and remainder of the years in the past decade as well as do the traditional expressing of resolutions for the year.

One "resolution" stood out in particular. My friend Katie expressed that she doesn't focus so much on the resolution itself but chooses a word to focus her lifestyle on for the year. This year, her word was gratitude.

How beautiful and taken advantage of is the ability to express gratitude? To simply be grateful for another's presence or voice or effort in any given situation? Or to be thankful for what we have, the people around us, the shortcomings we've successfully overcame? To be thankful and grateful for what we have is a gift we can give each day. 

As for my resolution... well, that's a bit more than a single word to live by. My 2020 will see more of me doing what makes me happy. If I had to boil it down to a single word, my best would be... happiness. Whatever route that takes me down, my goal in 2020 is to choose my happiness. Be it a spontaneous weekend trip with the love of my life, going to the store and grabbing a new book to happily dive into, visiting people or places that welcome me with open arms, or pushing people to live their lives to the fullest and push for those seemingly out of reach goals... 2020 will see me smile more than ever before, this I promise. 

2020, you're the year of seeing it all. 

Happy New Year!

Who am I?

I thought maybe I should start this thing off with a little about me and my goals for this page. 

If you're reading this, you probably already know me. I'm Monica, soon to be Mrs. Spada. I'm engaged to (as cheesy and overused this sentiment is) my best friend of 4 years and in June 2021, we'll pledge to be each other's forever, till death to us part. I've already made him, my beloved Josh, promise to outlive me, at least by a day. The thought of a day without him leaves me feeling bewildered. I'm a cat mom to three hellions; Snickers (14), Sophie (8), and Whiskey (1). Snickers is my favorite old guy and I'm pretty certain he'll outlive all of us. Sophie is my sweet girl. She's terrified of everything but she cuddles when I'm feeling blue. Whiskey is our demon child. If she's not biting at our toes, she's tormenting her siblings. We also have a beta fish named Gordy. He plays dead often. He enjoys kicking it being suctioned next to the filter in the tank. 

     ((The only time they're good... food))

I'm a middle child, sandwiched between both an older and younger brother and have a handful of step siblings and "basically" family relations. I'm not one of those "blood over everything" type people as family comes to us in a variety of ways. Sometimes the best family for us is the ones we choose. 

I'm a paralegal at a law firm and I wholeheartedly enjoy my job. I enjoy being able to help people out in their time of need and feeling like I really can make a difference in their lives. I feel valued as a member of the the team as a whole, by fellow coworkers, management, and the attorneys. Who knew hanging with people who know the law to the T could be a good time?

Beyond being an engaged cat mom, my interests include music (lately new rock and hit pop but my Jonas Brothers will always top the list), reading (when I have the time), crafting (especially with the upcoming wedding), listening to all of the true crime podcasts, socializing, staying in, movies out, and going on adventures with my love.

So, what am I hoping to do with this blog? Imagine a diary but with more self deprecating humor and whitt but less whining about not getting my way and complaining about my brothers... love you both!

Welcome to my page!