"Cravings"

Have you ever craved a feeling? Something that you've never even experienced? Or craved just a change of pace?

Perhaps "crave" is the wrong terminology here but I've really been down as of late. I truly believe, and have long believed, that I deal with some seasonal mood disorder that comes about this time of year, which brings about this feeling of desire for "something."

I truly am happy, I've got great things. A great family, great relationship, friends, coworkers, job. I'm healthy (minus some weight). I'm financially stable. I have a home. I quite literally am never hurting for anything...

But yet, I'm here, finding little faults and yearning for a change.

I can't wait to move from our apartment into a home of our own. Nothing feels permanent at our apartment, if they gave us word that we had to move for whatever reason in the next week, I'd have no issue packing up and shipping out.

I go between wanting to rush our wedding, to "get it done," but as much as I'd be okay with a courthouse wedding, I know for sure I want my loved ones around to celebrate the day with us. But the thought of planning something bigger than even 10 people stresses me beyond words... I couldn't even order pizza when my brother recently moved for family... too much stress.

I "crave" making a name for myself in some sense. Maybe this is egotistical but I feel I have good opinions and sound logic, this is a reason I'm so adamant about not backing down about things I believe in. I'm very pro "doing whatever makes sense to you" as long as you're not stomping on someone else's rights. I'm a person advocate and want only to help others get what they need.

I think most of all I "crave" having a child. I can't wait to experience that alien feeling of being pregnant and feeling the baby move. I want to be a mom. I want to raise a good human and teach the ways of the world to that tiny person who will grow to see that they have a power to do something with their life. I want to see Josh as a dad. He's so good to me and the three fur kids we have, I'm sure that his transition to father would be as amazing.

All this said- once spring and summer hit and that sweet, sweet sunshine is in full effect, my "cravings" will lessen and again happiness and satisfaction will be my name.

Crash.

So, I had a completely different post planned for this week but recent events have occurred, bringing about this post instead.

Yesterday I received a call that my little, baby, brother was on his way to the hospital. My brother, who I had been having dinner with just a short time ago, was in an accident.

This isn't a call one ever wants to receive, that much is clear, but you never think it'll happen to YOUR sibling. You hear about others getting into accidents, especially in my line of work, but family is a total different thing.

But the call came in, and my heart stopped. Mom said he was okay, some pain in his stomach, but in that moment, all I could think of was the twisted metal and glass shatters I've seen in so many photos at work. The numerous cases I've worked on with people passing, suffering from chronic pain, breaking bones, you name it.

Fortunately Josh was driving because I wholeheartedly couldn't focus on anything more than Brandon at that moment. We took off to the hospital, Josh let me out at the ER doors and I rushed in to ask reception where to track him down and basically pounced on the door separating the ER from the lobby. I rushed to his room to find him, lying in bed, brace on his neck, our older brother working on grabbing a blanket to give him some warmth.

My heart breaks and I'm near tears but I can breath again, finally, he's okay.

This is not an image I want to see... ever again.

My brother walked away from this total accident with a bruised and pained side but overall is unscathed. A little more thankful to be alive and grateful for what he has, but largely, he's okay.

His truck on the other hand...

I wanted to make this post to remind you all to be more cautious. Arriving behind schedule won't be the end of the world but rushing or being careless with your driving may be the end of yours.... or the person you hit.

Pay attention when you're driving. Put distractions away and focus only on getting from point A to point B. Be here to tell your loved ones that you love them. Don't be the reason you or someone else's family loses someone. 

Slow down. 

Wear your seatbelt. 

Stay safe.

Random Thoughts 1 of ?

(Photo found on Pinterest, unknown source)

This week I have zero clue what to blog about. So prepare for ramble-mania, filled with my random thoughts. This post is simply a window into my present mindset... here we go:

Last week we went to see Birds of Prey and I'm obsessed with the whole thing. The music throughout the whole movie was SPOT ON. It's my number one playlist to listen to right now, every single song played in the movie was an absolute banger. But beyond the music, the storyline was amazing as well... total babes doing what they had to do in order to save themselves and their friends, following Harley's emancipation from the Joker.

Speaking of emancipation from controlling, abusive men: Ladies, stop letting yourselves get into these abusive (physical or mind games) relationships with dudes who don't actually care about you. Find solace in your friends and my GOD the world around you will become yours. The mindset that women are weaker than men needs to end. I'm well aware that the playing ground has leveled out a lot compared to years ago but we're still looked down on as the weaker gender. Just look at the news and you'll find women who are accomplishing great things, every single day. Rescue yourself, girl. You don't need a man to do it for you.

Actually, on that note: for the love of all that you find holy, STOP with the girl on girl hating. In a society that wants to keep women down, raise your sisters up! I'm talking even the little things. You don't like that girl who's posting daily/weekly workout or bikini posts? Unfollow her. She's well within her means to post whatever she wants on her page. You don't like the way your coworker is dressed, because you wouldn't wear something like that? Allow someone in charge to say something if it's inappropriate. Feel like someone is wearing too much makeup? Too little? Is it hurting you? Good grief, let her do what she wants.

Unrelated, I'm stressed. I'm hoping to do so much this year and it all seems impossible right now. I know time will tell but I just want a glimpse into the future, just to make sure I'm doing the right things. We're hoping to get a house later this year, broaching trying for a baby, maybe moving our wedding date up (my mind refuses to finalize anything) and I really want a dog. 2020 is going to be my year. I feel that much in my soul.

Sex and the Crushes

So my beautiful future sister in law has me on a Sex and the City kick. I know, I know, I can hear your groan. Honestly, it's not *that* bad of a show. We all know the premise, four women of different sexual promiscuities figuring out life and love and friendship.

So today I thought it would be fun to talk about sex and love and all things involved -- Kidding!

While I'm super NOT going to discuss anyone's sex life, ever, on a public forum such as this, it did bring to mind maybe discussing crushes, of the celebrity caliber anyway.

How's that for wild to mild?

I thought today I'd share my earliest celebrity crushes up to today. And listen, maybe I watched garbage movies, resulting in the crushes I had... don't judge me. Sometimes bad movies speak to the good of our hearts, okay?

So I'll start with the earliest celebrity crush I can remember- here we go!

1. 2006 Zach Efron. Ooh man! High School Musical had just come out... along with my sudden interest in guys who can sing. Just look at this too old for me (at the time) guy! Who wouldn't wanna play ball with him? (Photo from Billboard.com)

2. 2008 Taylor Lautner. AKA Jacob Black. AKA wolf man of my dreams! What a dog I was, to drool over his casual shirtlessness. Team Jacob all day, everyday! (Photo from Pinterest)

3. 2008 Jonas Brothers. Ooh reader, you best believe these three are still and forever will remain so very near and dear to me. When You Look Me in the Eyes caught my eyes and ears and then pulled the three of you to my heart. Especially Kevin. I wrote crappy fanfiction about them... that has since been destroyed, thank you. Obsessive Jonas Disorder for life! (Photo from insider.com)

4. 2011 Chris Hemsworth. May lightning strike me down should a better Thor be casted. My LORD Chris and his hammer can make powerful moves. (Photo from IMDB.com)

5. 2017 Finn Bálor. Why you may ask? Because WWE was introduced to my life and I locked on to this Beaut of a man. Through Face and Heal days, I'm in love... and I wish him nothing but the best with his beautiful recent bride. (Photo from sportskeeda.com)

But of course, my number one for all my days, my love, Joshua J. Spada. Love you more than ever!

A Look Within

Are you living your own life or are you chasing someone elses?

Josh, my love, my constant philosopher, poised this question to me following Wednesday's post. Not so much about *my* actions in life but more about a question for all of us.

I don't know about you all but I know for sure I can struggle with this. I straddle the line of sharing too much and needing to keep some things for me. It's so easy these days with social media, to blur that line into nonexistence. Social media makes it especially easy to find yourself following in another's wake, trying to keep up. You paint this picture of the over sharer as having the perfect life, one that you wish to recreate for yourself. But you're only seeing what the over sharer wants you to see. You're not seeing their stumbles and struggles.

I also am very envious of other's achievements, as stated last week. I'm always very happy for and proud of my friends for reaching their goals, but a part of me yearns for the same goal of my own, which makes me jealous and bitter at times.

Life has become a rat race. Everyone trying to beat or meet the same timeline set by friends, colleagues, and family. It's easy to feel like you're in competition... life makes if out to be that way at times. From the second we're born, we're constantly being compared or doing the comparing of ourselves to our peers. No, this isn't some "snowflake" complaining of inequality, it's the desire to be measured only on my own abilities.

I think it best we remember the adage of needing to stop and smell the roses. There doesn't need to be a race, good things come in due time. Maybe don't always wait for those good things- they can take work. But who says a break to take in small moments is a bad thing?

Bitter before Better

Do you ever have just endless days of being on edge and wanting to argue every little point? That's where I was a few weekends ago, much to Josh's dismay.

Bitter about everything and finding myself jealous of others life events or smaller successes-- Bitter that friends and family are achieving goals they've set for themselves when I've dreamed of the same things. Bitter that our apartment never feels 100% clean for longer than an evening. Bitter that my life isn't the picture perfect fairytale I dreamt it would be as a child.

I used to feel bad about feeling this way... truly bad. I should be more appreciative of what I have, I have more than others and I've never felt like I couldn't ask for help.

But then I realized... I'm human. I'm allowed to have these moments. These moments make me more real. They allow me to connect with more people and have a larger understanding of what I really want out of this path I'm on. Life isn't perfect, no matter how we paint it to be on the outside or on social media. Sometimes like sucks and we have to trudge forward until the load on our shoulders lightens.

Sometimes I take my bitter feelings out on other people, placing them as the blame for my issues. Reality is that I've made my life to be the way that it is, as perfectly imperfect as it is. I have the ability to change both my life and my mindset. Being bitter is okay, as long as I'm able to determine why I feel the way I do and am able to take that and learn to be better moving forward.

Long story short, being bitter (on occasion) can lead to you being better. Don't allow the bitter to fill your mind and you'll find yourself doing better. But also don't get down about being bitter... you'll get better.

FIRST FIGHT 2020

So, something novel to mine and Josh's relationship began a few years back following New Year's Day. We don't fight or argue too often, at least not actually. We play argue all the time, our sarcastic and joking natures thriving in those moments, usually leading to laughs or tickle fights, wherein he typically triumphs.

When we do have a heated discussion that is teetering on the edge of of full blown arguing, one thing we like to do to ease tensions is pointing out "first fight," and the year. Yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds. But when you're arguing and hear "first fight, 2020" you mentally check yourself. I always picture a photo album. You know, where there's a label for the day/occasion and then fun pictures and a little description? When that's in your mind, it's hard to want to place the argument there. "Are we really about to be actually mad about this? This is silly!" And it allows us to come back down from the ledge to become more rational minded.

While writing this out I realized that we hadn't yet had one of these moments this year. I even double checked. I do my checking for you guys, as evidenced below.

    Please note the "..." that never bore a.          response. He's a smart man ;)

So, what's the point of this post? Just a reminder to take a step back sometimes. Some things may seem like a big deal in the moment but play the moment out in a different light and things are probably less heavy. Breathe y'all. It's the cheapest form of anger management.