For the Last Time

There will come a time when we do all things for the last time. My fiance and I came to this revelation one evening while watching a tv show. In the show, an elderly couple attempt to relive their "first time" and the wife mentions that it's been quite some time since they last did this. It doesn't deter husband and he tries with all he can but it just doesn't work out. I looked at Josh, stating that it's crazy to think that we will one day have a last time. He responds with "there will be a last time for everything..." Dark, right? Well, it immediately put me into meltdown sad mode, one day we'll be finished with all that we've done or will do. It broke my heart. Really broke my heart. 

We're told to "live each day like it's your last," but who, honestly, can live like that?

If today was my last day, and I lived it to the fullest, tomorrow would not be a day I wish to see. Today would consist of spending all of my money, either on myself in a last hoorah or gifting it to my loved ones. All of my possessions would be given to any passerby. I'd shirk my responsibilities that weren't priorities. Working a 9-5? Not a chance, today is my last day of existence. Meeting up with anyone I wouldn't enjoy being with? If I didn't enjoy you before, today isn't the day that will change. I may even reveal some true feelings of how others are, how I feel they treat me or their partners, their families. I would say the things I've not said enough, the I love you, the I appreciate you, the thank you. I would do what I can to show how grateful I have been for the life I've had. I would leave no stone unturned as I tried to make my last day fully enjoyable and tried to better the world around me in a last ditch attempt.

Tomorrow? No thank you. Bridges burned. Job lost. Penniless. Without my "stuff." Knowing that yesterday would likely be my peak for enjoyment for some time, until I've been able to reset decisions.

So instead I turn to a new mantra of "enjoy each experience like it's the last time you'll live it."

There will come a time when you will no longer pick your kids up to put them to bed. A time where they shy away from your kiss goodbye. A time where they stop reaching for your hand and instead reach for friends or a partner.

A time where your beloved pet doesn't get as excited to see you when you're home. When you can no longer easily pick up your puppy or your kitten no longer struggles to jump up onto the couch. A time when eerie silence fills the void that their absence leaves behind.

A day when your parents aren't as agile as they once were. When they are no longer able to help you at your call. A time when they will no longer be there to provide advice. When their energy is low and slow and memory fades. When they're not here.

There will be a time when you and and your friends grow apart, despite efforts to connect again. When sleepovers with your girlfriends stop. When it becomes harder to plan to get together amid other life events.

A time when you and your partner no longer make love. When you are no longer able to take the wild adventures together you once were. A time when you and your partner share a last kiss. Share a secret. A story. A laugh. A lifetime together.

At some point, all things will come to an end.

It's inevitable. This is life. A neverending, never pausing, rollercoaster of emotions and instances and moments.

Vow with me. Vow to live these moments fully and with intention. Remember the best of times, the worst of times, all of what lies in the middle. These moments could be the last of an experience and you won't even know until it's long gone.

Live this experience to its fullest potential.

What's Love Gotta Do, Gotta Do With It?

Love and attraction... they go hand in hand. But it's not always the obvious qualities that spur attraction. Today as we finally get to that spicy & sizzly unofficial start to the Summer season, I thought, why not talk about some of my little non-sexual attractions. We're getting PG-13 y'all!

- Forehead kisses, especially on a stressful day. They make me feel warm inside and cared for.

- When Josh plays into my plant obsession by sending me photos of available plants when he stops by the store. It shows me that he truly knows my interests.

- He knows when I need to be left alone to figure things out. He knows that if I need help, I'll ask for it.

- Foot rubs. Doesn't matter where or when, if I get my foot even remotely close to him, he gives it a rub or at least a few squeezes, acknowledging me.

- That he has full on conversations with the cats, animating their responses, having them respond to me... I giggle everytime.

- That he's good with my nieces and nephew- despite what he thinks. Kids can be difficult to deal with but he handles it like a champ. Watching him get baby Bradley to sleep when we were impromptu babysitting was certainly one of my favorite moments I've ever witnessed.

- How passionately he loves his time. As annoying as it is at the same time, my boy knows his free time and knows exactly how to spend it. If he's not getting in a well deserved nap, he's jamming out on his guitar, writing pages upon pages in his book, killing some baddies in whatever video game he's currently involved with, or assisting in some household chores. I need to take a lesson from him on free time as I can't seem to relax, ever.  

- My Italian American lover... didn't pick up much in terms of cooking skills from his parents but my God he can make a mean sub. Sub night is one of my favorites now as he gets so excited about making dinner for us. 

- Despite the fact he doesn't do the cooking, he 100% does the dishes, often without prompting, immediately after dinner or just on a random whim after work. 

- That he plans our vacations and so clearly takes interest in plans for them. I'm fortunate that he's willing to do this and that he'll point things out to me that he knows I'll be interested in.

- Sometimes he can pair the perfect flannel shirt with a perfect pair of jeans... divine. 

listen... I don't have a picture of him in his flannel. So enjoy this picture of out cat looking "devine" with the sun hitting her!

So. What are some of your favorite non sexual attractions that your partner performs? Or something you see and feel as though you've lost your breath?

Happiness isn't Just a Word

What is happiness? Can it actually be defined when there are so many things that can bring it about? Is happiness more than a smile? A thought? A place in your brain?

Sometimes the world can seem so glum and dreary and we forget the small or even the big things that give us a reason to see the positive side of life.

Today, I wanted to just go on a ramble about the little things that make me happy. It's so easy to say things like my significant other, my family, my pets. They're my obvious, and justly so! Today... feels like a day for the little things, so here we go!

- Plants, thanks to a my newish friend and coworker, Graci, who I feel like I've been friends with for literal years, plants have become my thing. Watching for new growth and getting excited when plants are in their happy zones. Here are some of my favorite little ones!

- My new bike. I haven't had a chance to actually ride it yet due to needing to balance a wheel so that it stops hitting the fenders but I'm so excited to get it fixed now that shops are open. Ready to get my bike on!

- My engagement ring. I'm not materialistic. I swear on everything I could be transplanted somewhere else with my loved ones and critters, I wouldn't miss anything I own... except this ring. This beautiful ring that symbolizes Josh's promise to love me forever, to choose me daily, to be mine.

- The smell of the Earth after a strong rainstorm, usually accompanied with a beautiful sky

- Sunday mornings. Since Corona swept the state and we've been ordered to stay home, Sundays have truly become our day of rest. It's my day to do what I want without anyone breathing down my neck.

- The Jonas Brothers. I know, I know... not really a small thing that makes me happy but, everytime they release a new song or video, I'm THE happiest camper.

- Foot rubs. Back rubs. Scalp rubs. Forehead rubs. I love you, Josh. Keep going... love you!

There's so much good all around us that brings out a happy moment, all over the place and at all times. Just take some time to see the small things that make a big impact on your happiness.

Goin' to the Chapel

Trying to plan a dream wedding in and of itself is a full time job... probably why some folks choose to hire an event planner. 

For the rest of us who are are too broke (me) or feel the need to do it on their own (also me), we're trudging through with making plans.  

I still haven't the slightest clue what we truly want out of a wedding. We have a venue but I'm 98% certain that I want to cancel it and just do a small ceremony in a backyard. But even with that option, there are so many questions that need to be figured out.

I love the idea of a small ceremony but hate that it would mean a minimal guest list. I can't invite only the people I actually want to be present as the other side of that would be far to upset with Josh and I. We both have larger families than I realized. We both have a lot of friends we couldn't dream of not being present.

Beyond the guest list, weddings are so expensive! Just the mere mention of "wedding" and the price of basic products sky rockets. And all the things that come with weddings... why can't there just be venues that automatically include all the things at base price. Pause that, I did find one place that offered this and at the least expensive of all of their options it was still well over $10k.

Who the heck has that kind of money to throw onto a single day?? No shade on those that can and do, but realistically, Josh and I just don't. We want a house. We want a family. We (I) want a dog. These things weigh more on our dreams than a singular day on which I'm 100% certain will involve me staining a beautiful overpriced wedding dress.

I've never even wanted to have a big wedding but I think I got caught up in the shine of my ring and people immediately asking questions of when and where. Josh... Josh doesn't care. He wants to make sure it's what I want because "it's more your day than mine," but honestly all I care about is officially becoming Mrs. Spada and becoming the dream team husband and wife that we are at boyfriend and girlfriend. 

The courthouse is looking more and more enticing!

Covid19, Day ??

I'm a homebody but this is excessive.

I feel like I've cleaned the same messes and done the same fun activities and watched the same shows and had the same daily routine for years at this point, and it has only been a month of Ohio's Stay at Home order.

If I wasn't working from home, I would have completely cracked by now, beyond what I already have.

Working from home has been an interesting venture but even that, I'm ready to be in office with my coworkers, coworkers who aren't trying to lay in my lap while I work (aka, my kitten kids). I didn't realize how much I would miss my desk chair or my calculator... a printer. 

I'm so excited for things to open back up (once safe) and to do activities outside of the apartment. I think that largely results from me being ready to be away from the apartment in general. I tell Josh daily that I'm going to go off on our neighbors. These people... they have at least 2, maybe 3 kids based on the different screams we here, but they scream and stomp and cry- ALL. DAY. LONG. Don't get me wrong, I know that this is what kids do, I'm well prepared and expectant of that for when we have our own children, but for the love of all things Holy... they do it like it's their full time job! From 9am when they first awake to 10:30 or later at night, it doesn't stop. I don't think we realized it before quite this much because neither of us were home all hours. Now that I am, I'm wondering how to get their parents to do a little more with them.

Being home all this time has also stifled my creativity. I usually have different blog ideas on hand to type up and post weekly but now, clearly, I'm two weeks behind on my own deadline, which is disappointing. I know that nobody lives for my weekly posts but I feel good about making them. 

Beyond my blog, it's been an absolute chore to do other things that I enjoy, like repotting or watering my numerous plants or wanting to pull out a canvas and paint and just create, but I just have no desire. I try to blame it on not having that drive to or from work to break my day but honestly, I just don't know. I worry my creativity is fleeting.

I'm worried that as things open back up, more cases of Covid19 will spike and we'll be back to square one and I really don't think I could handle square one again. I'm feeling okay with the idea of needing to wear a mask while out in public but I need some activity, especially as we edge towards warmer months. I feel so whiny but my God I need a pool day and hangout time with my people... I'll host! Maybe our noise will drown out the neighbors?

This virus has ruined so much and I can only think good thoughts as we get closer to civilization opening back up. Fingers crossed and good vibes only about all of this... for all of our sanity.

Life Inside the Quarantine

It's been 3 weeks of enforced isolation. 3 weeks of work from home and really only supposed to be seeing those who live in my apartment on a regular basis (we may have cheated last week and gone to hang out with friends for Wrestlemania... sue us). 3 weeks of paranoia that we or someone we may know will develop the sick and infect those around them. 

3 weeks of following into tik-tok video holes and annoyance with myself for not doing something more productive with my time. I've been planning on making the adorable paper roses for mine and Josh's wedding for the past 7 months and I've done one single mock rose to ensure I could do it.... that was in December. CLEARLY I'm a pro at free time. 

I have been reading more, which has been nice. I like to get book ideas from movie trailers. If I see a trailer that looks interesting and is based on a book, 9 times out of 10 the book will be better, guaranteed. I'm presently reading The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn. I'm about half way through and I'm finding myself needing to tell myself to step away so that I don't finish it in one night... because the library is closed and I can't pick up anything new. But it is SO good! 

I've also been working my green thumb and repotting my indoor plants and trying to decide what more I can do to make my plant babies happy... with mixed results. I'm losing a succulent that's refusing to give me signs of life. I think it's fine though as my interests have begun to shift from succulents to leafy plants. Something about seeing a new leaf unravel is strangely thrilling.

I can say for sure that our apartment is feeling so much cleaner than ever before. Being home all day has made it so that I can't find excuse not to keep up on basic chores.

Just don't mind the basket of clean laundry that needs put away still

We've used some of this time to really hone in on what we're looking for in a house... namely anything that isn't this apartment for much longer. I dream of open space and a craft room and a basement/man cave that I can finally use to house Josh's horror collectables... he had more dolls than I ever did growing up. 

All that aside...

I'm losing my damn mind.

I love Josh and all he does for us but my lord if he can't allow me to sit in silence for a bit I may find some sardine oil and a tiger. 

The cats... oh the cats. They seem to think I'm home only for them. Constantly they try to join me on the desk, though, I can assure you, there is no room.

Josh works Tuesday-Friday so I'm home and stuck with the fur brats who demand frequent attention. As needy as they are, they're never an issue until I get up to step away for a moment, then I'll have one of these two think about writing a chapter in their novel in cat-nese.

Meanwhile, Snickers, my perfect baby angel of 14, naps nearby all day and provides no issue ever:

Check out those little chicken wing arms!

All in all though- I'll survive. As we all will. Just one day at a time! If anyone needs any contact from outside of your home, feel free to reach out... I'm beginning to hear words in meow.

Oh Hai, Social Media!

Me, plugging back into the world today.

March 2020, a month without social media. With all that's been going on with the world, I think I choose both the best and worst time to take a break.

So why did I take a break?

Do you ever catch yourself wondering what and when you should post in order to garner the most "likes" and comments? Do you find yourself wasting minutes, hours, a whole day to the mindless scrolling of facebook? Occasionally double tapping an Instagram post while flicking the screen, blankly staring as photos and words fly by, not really reading or seeing but scrolling on as a way to pass time?

What about this- do you walk away from a social media binge feeling negative? Feeling extra judgmental about what others are posting or how they're portraying their lives?

I had been feeling both of these for quite some time. It was time to remove myself in order to center myself. To take a breath of non social media based air.

I suddenly had extra time on my hands, lots of it! I got to spend some of that time reading, having genuine relationships with family, hanging out with Josh, being a smidge more connected than normal.

As I've stated before, it was definitely 50/50 on being the best and worst time to take my break considering all that the month of March brought on... including my newest niece and nephew, two of the cutest babies I've ever seen (totally not biased, at all!).

I also missed what appeared to be the height of the fear of the Coronavirus... I got to avoid saying something that I may regret later by responding to posts made in ignorance and posts made to promote fear mongering. I missed posts about toilet paper depletion and grocery stores running on E as my fellow Ohioans prepared for what could have felt like the end times. I only used government news and websites to determine my understanding of what was happening.

I also dyed my hair (and hands- all the gloves are sold out!) green... quarantine hair is what I'm calling it!

Notice that my sleeves are covering my hands. This was the first day and my hands were teal...  evidence below

LISTEN. Don't judge me!

But... life doesn't have to be a constant stream of sharing. Life is about living, and being there in the moment. Especially right now, with all sorts of news hitting our news feed. We don't need to be so connected all the time.

I urge everyone to take a little break from social media. It helps to refocus on what is really important to us. 

It's a positive to unplug from being glued to your phone and connecting with yourself and the world around you.